Alex's Non-sense

It’s 1:25am. I’m sitting here, Clementine is being her noisy self, clawing her mouse. So many thoughts run through my mind. I know the morning brings with it a head ache and so I stave off sleep in an effort to postpone the inevitable. Yet for some reason I still desire to sleep. The words of John Mayer sing through my computer speakers, “…don’t stop this train, don’t for a minute change the place you’re in, don’t think I couldn’t ever understand, I tried my hand, tried honestly, we’ll never stop this train…”  Not even sure if that is supposed to relate, but while I’m listening to it, it seems to relate and connect to a lot. I realized I’ve done a great job of lying to myself. I’ve lied to so many people, in such a way so as to actually believe the lies myself. And yet, even as this information comes to light, I’m still preparing to lie. It’s not out of some desire for mean or dubious behavior. Quite contrary really. The lies I tell are not to hurt people, and they’re not to protect them either. They’re to protect myself. It’s easier to pretend that something happened the way I want people to know it happened than to even admit to myself that it happened. I’m lonely. I took in a kitten, and for those of you that know me, I really don’t like cats, simply because I wanted something there when I came home. Even if she just runes around like an animal gone mad, I know that I’m not the only life in my apartment. I miss my friends. I miss my friend, whom I could simply talk about nothing at all, listen to them talk about the most mundane parts of their day, and yet be completely immersed in conversation. I miss my friend whom seemed to counter all my ideas and mine theirs. A friend told me the other day:

“You don’t really like anything, so I wasn’t sure what to get you”

 I don’t like a lot of things. I don’t blame them for what they said, because honestly, it’s pretty true. I delight in Him, but other than that, I struggle to appreciate life in the same way that I know many other people do. I enjoy observing fun, I don’t necessarily have to be in that myself. And yet when it comes to things that are in need of a leader, I will take the reigns should a leader not step forward. As soon as my leadership role is done, I’m perfectly happy to slip back into the shadows. I don’t ask for recognition, I don’t want to be in the spotlight. I only ask that what I do be seen as love passed on from another. If I haven’t achieved that, then I am truly sorry, for I have failed you. Do not take this to be self pity, for I do not pity myself. I am happy with my life I find joy in Him, and for that find reason to live. 

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for You are with me.”

-Psalms 23:4

It’s now 1:48am. Clementine has calmed down, she now lays on my bed. If you haven’t guessed by now, Clementine is a couple month old kitten. And yet I feel lonely again. I know what the scripture says, that He is with me, and I am never alone. No, I don’t feel lonely, I feel missing. I feel as though there is a portion of me, a lower rib if you will, that He has taken from me, and created another life with it. This life belongs to the woman who’s presence is missing. The woman He hand crafted for me, and I for her. I do not pretend to know who this woman is, if I have met her yet or if she is currently half way around the world. All I know is that my soul is complete in Him, yet my body is half of a whole. So I will rest. I will wait. I will not deceive myself and make rash decisions. And yet I know that as I say this, my heart is searching for ways to work around it, to find loopholes, to make excuses. I will break my promise. And if it were with anyone else, they would probably have dropped me a long time ago. But I delight in the fact that He will not abandon me to my lies and deceit and falsehoods. 

But to you, reader. You who do not have unlimited patience (and if you think you do, you’re lying to yourself as much as me), I apologize. I apologize for promising one thing and delivering another, time and time again. And to one of you, you know who you are, I cannot express how deeply sorry I really am. 

With loving kindness, 

Alex

I’m working on some new material faithful readers (so all 3 of you). Keep you eyes posted. So in other words, in the next few months or so, since I talk big, but never manage to back it up.

I mean what I say and I say what I mean. I will tell you no lies, and I will not misguide you. My yes’s are yes’s and my no’s no’s. I surrender my life to God and understand there is a higher purpose which with my one limited and narrow point of view could never hope to understand, but only submit myself to a life humble and overwhelming love for my creator and his creation. That includes myself, my friends, my enemies, and anyone in between. I ask for forgiveness for any transgressions between myself and you. That by God’s will alone you understand that I truly love you for you, because God created you as you are and loves you for who you are, so who am I to say that is not enough for me? I hope that you only see my good intentions for what they are, and do not hold any of my failed attempts against me. I have wronged you I’m sure, and I have not been a perfect friend. I only offer my humanity as the reason for my lack of perfection. That I have the curse of being a human being with flaws and sinful desires that get in the way of the man God intends for me to be and that I will one day be. I pray that God will mend any area of our friendship that is lacking, and any area that is in distress. Above all, I hope that I can continue to love God and in doing so love you. For God created all things and said they were good, until he made man, and said it is not good that he is alone and thus gave him a companion, and so it is that no human should be alone, but have a companion, should that be a friend, a relative, or a spouse. 

So I conclude this by saying, have a God-filled week, and may you show the mercy and love to everyone around that God shows you every moment. May you forgive and truly forget, may you remember that every wrong doing and every misdeed has been paid for by the blood of Christ, and that if you hold onto grudges, then you are telling Jesus his blood wasn’t enough to assuage your pain, your fear, and your anger. 

Love, being the greatest of all commandments, is my only suggestion. Love your friends and your enemies as if it were the last day you had with them. 

I love you with all of my heart, and love God with even more of it. 

Alex

I have now started and deleted this post 3 times. Its hard to write a blog entry about a subject that you know people will take personally, will feel directly challenged. I would say that this is not my intent, but then I would at least in some minuscule way be lying. Be telling something other than the total and absolute truth. Because while this post is what is on my heart, it stems from my life, and there fore interactions with people, with whom this post will inevitably be about. So for one of the very few times in my life, I will not apologize dear reader, I will not say I am sorry for what I will say, because this is not a direct challenge to any one belief or theory or thought, but simply a statement of my own, as under direct and unavoidable influence of those around me.

Is it possible for two people to hear two different messages on the same subject from God. For one person to hear Go while the other to hear stop? For one to hear stop them, and yet another to hear let them go? I feel my point is probably getting confusing at this point so let me give an explicit example. Can two friends hear from God two different opposing opinions on the exact same subject? I honestly have no answer to give. And I dare you to give one that is satisfying. I dare you in essence, to explain the side of God which no one has even been able to fully comprehend. The aspect that we cannot ever fully comprehend nor digest; the entirety of His plan. I do not claim to know God’s will, and I believe any man on this Earth today is a fool if he (or she) claims to. Francis Chan describes it in his book Crazy Love that we would be foolish to think we know what God’s will is exactly, because that would be like saying that God’s will is the ocean, and to try to understand its vastness would be like trying to put it all inside of a small can, you could never hope to do it. 

Do not fear though, do not feel you have to live a life in the dark. For it would not be walking in faith if we knew the path. We would have no need for faith in a divine power if we knew the outcome of every event. This is why I find comfort in letting go. In letting God take the reigns, and not trying to figure out what He wants for me, but instead letting Him show me what he wants for me. Letting my life unfold before me is so much more glorious than searching for clues, trying to find my christmas presents early if you will. 

Sometimes I find myself planning out my next move, my next thought, my next word. Planning. But when I do this, I tend to stress myself out, I tend to over think, re-think, and think once more for good measure, and end up creating a stressor that isn’t there. It is only when I truly give God the reigns that my life seems so much more in order, so much simply, to the point, and without complication. Don’t get me wrong, this does not mean that life is without struggle when I surrender, because that is simply not true. But I know the struggle is not because I have surrendered, but because while I have let go with one hand, the other is still deciding what to do. And because the other hand cannot let go, I cause my own struggle, my own tribulations. Some may say “but sometimes you cannot be to blame for what happens, sometimes stuff just happens.” To those people I say, yes, things happen, but you struggles in life are not based on what happens around you, but how you react to it. 

So I end this post with, not an apology, but a declaration. To whom it may concern. I am not sorry that I love you. I am not sorry that God has put it on my heart to reach out to you, to show you compassion, to show you empathy, to show you genuine love. I am not sorry that whatever events have led to today, to this very moment, that I have forever been shaped and molded by God to feel the way I do, to love the way I do, and act the way I do. I do not apologize for arguments we have had, the good times we have shared, and the tears we have shed. I do not apologize because I know that it has all been in God’s ultimate will, for if it weren’t, it would not have happened(seems pretty simple to me). And most of all, I do not apologize for saying all of this. So to you, my faceless, nameless friend, I love you, with every ounce of my heart, so much so that I would sacrifice what is only a moment in my souls existence so that you may understand that this love is not of me, is not of this world, but is of God. That without God in my life, I would not love you, not in the way that requires nothing in return, not even acceptance. 

I pray that you would see this, that you would empathize with what is on my heart, and know that I do not gain from it. That all of this, that my time on Earth in the end means only as much praise as I have been able to put forth to God. That on my deathbed, I will only be as worthy as I am faithful, and that I hope you see my love as only an extension of God’s love for you. That you know that God will never forsake you, will never neglect you, will never resent you. If you do not think this is for you, then you are incredibly mistaken, for this is for you, and only you. This is not a letter to the multiple, but a prayer for the individual. I love you and pray that you see only God’s love and grace. 

Without shame of my childlike faith

Alex

As I lay in bed, the clock ticks later and later. I celebrate having finished another quarter. I dread work at 8am tomorrow (well at this point today) morning. And above all, I look forward to three weeks of freedom. Freedom from this constant noise that is Isla Vista. The crowds and the music and the parties. Freedom. I feel many have gotten the wrong impression from me this quarter and I want to apologize. Some of you have seen me as cynical, negative, anti-social, grumpy, and I have at times been all of those things and then some. Though I would be a liar to say that all of this could be explained by one phenomenon, it is true to say that 90% of the time my mood is influenced by the headaches I’ve had this quarter. Every morning I wake up with a headache, most nights I fall asleep with one. If I’m lucky I get to eat lunch without a headache, but it comes back soon enough. They’re made worse by loud noises, bad smells, sudden movements, just about anything that perpetuates a headache makes my head throb with pain. Its because of this that I avoid groups of people. more than 2 people and people start to get loud, more than 4 and people and people start to shout, which means my head feels like its going to explode. I work at the library and for 3-5 hours straight there is no escape from noise. I get bitter because it physically hurts to hang out with people I love more than one on one. This bitterness gets seen as me being upset with them, which I’m really not. I found myself leaving myself out of a lot of things because I knew that I would spend the whole time wishing I hadn’t gone. And then that feeling of being left out got blamed on other people. It was unfair, and they didn’t deserve that. I actually got angry sometimes that people weren’t making exceptions for me. I was upset that people didn’t take pity on me. How foolish I feel now. I ended up driving the people closest to me to resent me. And all the while, I couldn’t help but feel closer to God. In a time where I felt alone and secluded, I knew that God was always with me, I never felt that I didn’t have someone by my side because I knew the Holy Spirit was with me and keeping me company. My best friend was no longer of man, but God, the only one who truly understood my situation, always forgave me for getting upset, loved me without fail, and so often delivered me from pain and frustration. I like to think that I’ve been blessed with a curse. I have this strange inclination to forgive anyone, at any point, for just about anything without fail. The curse of this is that I often forgive people long before they forgive me, so after a fight or an argument, I’m ready to move on, and no long am upset, but the other person almost always is. This makes life difficult sometimes, because in my desire to get things back to normal, I don’t always give people the proper amount of cool down times, and like running on a sprained ankle, almost always end up causing more damage than was necessary. But I would never ask for this blessing to be taken away, because I know that it is wrong of me to hold a grudge, even for a moment, and to forgive without a second thought is to lose a grudge before it is formed. I just need to learn to shut up and wait for forgiveness myself sometimes. And I want to apologize to anyone reading this who knows I’ve done this to them. Anyone who feels I’ve tried to rush their forgiveness. I’m sorry. I often feel that its better to take the weight of responsibility on myself then let my friends continue to be upset with a situation, regardless if I’m even at fault at all or not, simply because I know that no matter the situation I can make peace with God right away and get on with life. So I propose this to you dear reader, don’t hold a grudge, don’t wait for someone else to claim fault, because that is the easy way out. Take the real challenge, FORGIVE without reason, accept responsibility, and see how things turn out. Don’t rush to be forgiven, but feel content with letting go of the blame on your heart.

Though I can’t always promise I’ll love you (I’m not Jesus after all) I can promise I’ll always forgive you, and I have many friends who can attest to just what I’m willing to forgive.

Alex

P.S. This post is not directed at any one person, nor is it a plea for attention from any particular individual. This is merely a compilation of thoughts that have recently found their way to the surface of my mind.

Those who know me best know that I rarely hold a grudge, rarely stay mad long, and in general just forgive people relatively easily/quickly. And that should all be good things right? Well the strength that allows me to forgive people almost always comes from putting the blame on myself rather than the individual who did something needing forgiveness. Because of this, I have a hard time forgiving myself for things, and often spend a lot of time frustrated with myself. Today I had another of my weekly meetings with John Hannon (love that guy) and we were praying at the end for the start of a homeless ministry I’ve been working on. He said something in prayer that just spoke so directly to me I couldn’t help but be moved. I love the way that God uses people who intend to say one thing, to say exactly what he wants you to hear. He said “Thank you for forgiveness.” That phrase is something that we hear all the time in church, in life, with friends, in the bible. Mercy, Grace, Forgiveness. Something that seems so simple right? We are forgiven for our sins by the grace of God through the life, crucifixion, and resurrection of Jesus Christ, and finally are there by called to forgive others. So then why was this simple phrase so hard to apply to our lives? In my life I find that I have so much trouble forgiving myself, that sometimes I really screw up friendships, and even in doing so, I often declare myself at fault, and exclude the other person from any fault. This is only halfway good, because I so often forget that the grace of God isn’t just to be given, but is to be received. We don’t forgive because WE have the capacity to do so. Look at me! When I try to forgive, I don’t really forgive, I just shift the blame onto myself. Instead, we can only truly forgive through the Grace and Mercy of God through Jesus Christ.